you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
