apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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