How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
