Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
