just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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