It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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