Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
