When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize