I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
