she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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