wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize