Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
