I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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