You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
