Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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