hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
