i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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