Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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