I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
