I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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