listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
