hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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