You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
