Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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