I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
