wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
