everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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