he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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