I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
