if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You had me at "let me see your balls"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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