For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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