If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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