Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
