I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
