sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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