Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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