I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
