If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
