all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
