You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
