Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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