her vagine was all disorganized.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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