if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
