he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
