What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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