chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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