can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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