i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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