Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
