I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
