Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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