bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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