Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize