Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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