oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
