So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
