I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
