Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
