life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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